Why Do People Have Children On Purpose?

Seriously, I want to know.

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash

I am a mother of one. She wasn’t “on purpose” but not a complete surprise either since my husband and I had been having mostly unprotected sex for a year and a half after the wedding. But why was I having unprotected sex when I didn’t want children? I’m still, after 18 years, stumbling over that answer. Let me start by saying this: I was depressed.

I’d been depressed up to that point for almost a decade but had only recently realized it was depression. Depression does weird things to your way of thinking. All I can say to the question above is I honestly believed at the time that since my head is fucked up, my body must be fucked up too and I probably couldn’t get pregnant. And that suited me just fine.

Or did it? I think a part of me did want a child. A hidden, subconscious part. It told me the lie above to get me pregnant because it wanted a child, the most selfish desire of any human. Or it could have been the depression telling me the lie to get me pregnant because it knew that could lead to my worst fear coming true: my child inherits my disease.

Anyone who’s been depressed can tell you it is no fun. It robs you of literally everything. Not just happiness but opportunities, taking your “potential” and throwing it on the ground where it smashes it into tiny pieces and then stomps all over them. I never enjoyed any of the commonly celebrated days of my life. My college graduation, my wedding day, the day I found out I was pregnant…

That was NOT a good day, to put it bluntly. I wish I could have enjoyed the pregnancy instead of pondering abortion or adoption or hoping for a miscarriage. In the end, I could do neither of those things because deep down I am as selfish as anyone else.

Why do I think it selfish to have children? Because three words: Life Is Difficult. It is the first and most fundamental line in one of my favorite books, The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck. It is what the Buddhist teaches and, although I am not a spiritual person by nature, I am more inclined to lean toward Buddhism than any of the others.

And, if life is difficult and you cannot stop your children from suffering through life — because, as my therapist told me, if you help a butterfly out of its chrysalis it will die since it needs to struggle on its own in order to become a butterfly — how is it not selfish to give birth to new life?

I can only speculate on selfish reasons people want children.

1. They want someone to love them. Selfish and wait until they become a teenager. Forget that!
2. They want to love somebody/they have so much love to give. Really? (I’m rolling my eyes here. Can you tell?) I’m depressed so I can’t fathom that one but still sounds selfish to me.
3. Because it’s just what you do/everyone else is doing it. Dumbest. Reason. Ever.
4. To pass on their genetic makeup/keep the species alive. This one I can understand because it’s the closest to the reason animals do it/the whole purpose to life sort of thing but sometimes that apple doesn’t fall close to the tree. Sometimes it rolls down the hill, falls into a creek, and is carried far, far away. This one is dangerous because then you develop expectations and when those expectations aren’t met, you end up causing psychological harm to your child.
5. And lastly, they want their children to have a better life than them/live vicariously through them. Well, then you are creating self-entitled, spoiled children who never had to struggle out of a chrysalis.

Having a child may be the most selfish act but being a good parent is the most selfless act.

You have to love without expecting love in return (just wait, those teenage years are coming). You cannot take anything they say or do personally no matter how much it hurts you. You turn the other cheek constantly. You watch them suffer, knowing there’s nothing you can do and it kills you. And all this pain cannot be shown to or shared with your child. It is a one-way relationship. The best parents expect nothing in return.

I’ve not been the best parent. I’ve not been a good parent at times either. Hopefully, I’ve been a “good enough” parent. I wish I could have been like everybody else and just had children without thinking so much about it. I wish I could have relished the only pregnancy I would ever have. I wish I could have fallen in love with her the minute I saw her. I wish I hadn’t placed expectations on who she’d become. I wish I had been mature enough not to take things personally. I wish I could do it all over again.

But that would be incredibly selfish.

I Had To Let Go Of Wanting To Be A Good Parent For My Daughter’s Sake